Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
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