woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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