I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
