so... how was it???
he had bart simpson sheets. he had itunes on shuffle and "don't worry be happy" started playing when he took his boxers off. sad to say i was neither worried nor happy
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
