i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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