just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
