So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Randomize
