I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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