I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Ladies don't puke and tell
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Randomize
