Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
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