I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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