i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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