i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Randomize
