I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Don't make out with my wife yet
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
