I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Randomize
