Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Randomize
