the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
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