I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
