i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
