Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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