Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
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