my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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