if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
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