Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
