I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
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