i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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