My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
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