I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
