he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
