Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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