But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
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