please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
