you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
I intend to get homeless drunk
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Randomize
