Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
