Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
