So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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