I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Randomize
