now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
