I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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