I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
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