There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
