Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
