Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
