Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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