I'm lost and stupid without you.
I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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