____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
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