Small penises have feelings too.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Randomize
