i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
