The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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