I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
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